Pigpen says, "Hey dude!"

Working in the networking industry there is an expectation of professionalism. This is more then just an expectation here it is a requirement. Many new employees are counseled on this when they fail to use proper language on the phone. Now don't get me wrong this isn't to say we are expected to adhere to the standards of a synthetic of a voice response system but there are certain things that will not be allowed to slide.

Pigpen is a fellow phone jockey, what he lacks in intelligence he makes up for in aroma so strong that he has his own set of cartoon-esque stink lines which follow him about. Pigpen embodies a biological anomaly as he has been artificially aged approximately three decades from continued exposure to pot clouds so dense it could be sold to little pot-heads as “potton candy.” Pigpen takes every opportunity he can to point out just how damaged the thought and speech centers of his brain have become and the exact marijuana and alcohol cocktail necessary recreate the degradation, in case anyone wants to join him in his self-induced walking oblivion.

This afternoon I overhear Pigpen providing his usual absolutely incorrect information to the customer, so I send him an IM to correct his mistake and he says to the caller, "hold up noz, I'm gettin' new infoz." I have no clue what "noz," if indeed I am spelling it correctly, means but I am fairly certain that it is a word only crack-jacked surfer bums can understand. His usage of "unconventional" language continues throughout the call as does the stream of incorrect information. When the call comes to its conclusion rather then ending it with the standard salutation he says, "laterz bra!" Every time Pigpen answers the phone my company's client loses business.

Shortly after Pigpen finishes his call I get and IM from Fieldtrip who consequently is on a cross country fieldtrip of his own; our conversation is as follows:

Fieldtrip: Hey what's up?

Goodall: Nada, but Pigpen isn't going to be here when you get back.

Fieldtrip: Terminus?

Goodall: Negative, on a COMPLETELY unrelated note, I need to you alibi me.

Fieldtrip: I'll testify that on the date and time in question you an I were on the other side of town rescuing the puppies of the elderly-infirmed from their once beautiful old folks home run by a multi-denomination habit of nuns, whom we also rescued from said burning building.

Now I'm not a violent person, but somewhere in some cold, snow covered, backwater town on the boarder of Minnesota and Hell there's a wood chipper hungry for Pigpen and his fellow tards.