All year long we wait with enormous anticipation for one day: Employee Appreciation Day. EA Day exists for our employer to offer minor gifts in the shape of candy or small trinkets provided to them by our clients to be given out for no particular reason. Their hope is that we are some how placated for the lack of less important items, from a corporate stand point like: sufficient pay, a work environment not infested with tards, and a sense of fulfillment and success.
On EA day we are given tokens of faux gratitude in conjunction with paper placards informing us of things like our names, our tards sometimes forget, and the reason for which we are being recognized. Some of these reasons include:
· Thank you for showing up to work for a whole consecutive 5 days.
· Thank you for not drooling on your keyboard, if you refuse to work we appreciate that you at least do not cause irrespirable damage to our equipment.
· Thank you for not flinging poop at passing managers and corporate guests.
It doesn't matter if the only productive action one performs in a given day is the continued beating of their own pulse, they receive one of these placards. Placards which are reminiscent of the trophies aspiring young tards receive at events like little league or Boy Scout awards ceremonies. Everyone gets one so no one feels left out even if your trophy says, "Last place with a first place smile!" This consequently is a real award I received when my Pinewood Derby racecar flew of the guided track and burst into flames. Enough coats of lacquer evidently will cause spontaneous combustion.
I would blame the managers for this festival of mediocrity but it really isn't their fault. Corporate compliance requires that our direct management staff offer us this cheap simulacrum of gratitude. So we celebrate yet another EA Day with great gusto and as I write this I'm hanging in my cubical a paper placard proclaiming, "Thank you for coming to work with clothes on!"
No comments:
Post a Comment