None of us are immune to tard behavior. We all do those things that sound like a brighter ideas in our heads, but tard behavior is more like breathing it's involuntary it just happens. This is sometimes due to below line IQ and other times the result of poor hand eye coordination. For me this is evidenced by the general caliber of my wardrobe: dark colors mostly brown and blue, these are the best for hiding food stains.
I am frequently out on the weekends with friends we visit fine dining establishments like Applebee's and TGI Fridays. After consuming what food didn't make it on my shirt we pass the patrons still waiting to be seated on our way out of the building in search of a high pressure hose or carwash. To assuage the questioning stares of these obviously disgusted people I clap excitedly and say a little louder then necessary, "go for a riiiiide yay!" Disgusted scowls are replaced with smiles and some times cheers for the "slow person," this tactic usually dissipates the distain for a grown man still unable to successfully feed himself. At one of these performances my friends were congratulated for dedicating their lives to caring for the victims of Downs Syndrome, this earned them a free meal; unwilling to maintain the illusion from visit to visit we are occasionally required to rotate the franchises we visit.
My tard behavior doesn't end there, sadly and even more to my distress it seems there is a never ending stream of low functioning events in my life. Today I discovered just how deep my caffeine addiction runs. My desk never lacks the presence of a bottle of Pepsi's finest distribution of the sweet ambrosia known as Mountain Dew. The constant presence of this drink staves off certain things: coma-like sleep, thirst and physical fitness. The unfortunate side effect of constant flow of Mountain Dew into my blood stream is that I must occasionally escape the soul-crushing weight of my tard infested work environment to visit the rest room. Today while on one of these required sojourns a coworker thinking he’s wittier then he actually is thought it would be a good idea to hide my caffeine. When I returned I realized that something was terribly wrong. It took a few moments to detect the conspicuous absence of my life sustaining fat-juice so without compunction loudly questioned, "who the fuck took my soda!"
I then spent the next ten minutes interrogating my neighbors about this crime attempting to identify the culprit. This proved to be fruitless, so I changed my tactic. Rather then promising death to everyone I modified my threat and promised death only to the man guilty of denying me my fix. Thusly fingers were pointed! Before delivering the promised death blow it occurred to me that this behavior might be a little irrational. Ultimately this thought process proved to only anger me further as I am not irrational damnit. I did eventually force my self to calm down which is when I realized I'd just acted as though someone had stolen my crack pipe. So I've decided I need to quit, next week I go on the gum.
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