Mouth Shut, Eyes Front!

There are two circumstances in this world where you will find lines of men staring silently forward, the first is the military when drill is called you shut your face, stair straight forward and draw as little attention to yourself as possible. The second is the men's public restroom.

Implemented in the latter years of the 19^th century the men's lavatory is designed to facilitate the expulsion of bodily waste and as a forum for posting your bitchy ex-girlfriend's cell phone number for as many psychopathic stalkers to see as possible. This development in human excrement management was not intended in anyway for talking or making noises of any kind.

I have extremely unfortunate timing when it comes to restroom breaks at work. It seems that nearly every time I proceed that direction someone else in my immediate vicinity has the same idea. Thus it appears that I stalk my fellow employees to the rest room. Not being a silver lining kind of guy but nevertheless able to detect when a fortuitous circumstance presents itself, should I ever decide to begin a career as a creepy stalker of public restroom visitors I wont have to do much.

Today on a trip to the facilities I was preceded by White Trash. He entered the lavatory moments before I tossing me the same unsettled look my other fellow employees do when I nonchalantly, whistling all the while, trail them into the head. He entered the first stall and I approached the urinal. This is where I usually slip into a semi-controlled catatonic state intended to protect me from those people that are unfamiliar with men's restroom etiquette. This time before I could the strangest sound began to emanate from my urinating cohabitant of this public john. The noise increased in volume and strangeness until White Trash began sounding like a wounded wilder beast being humped by a rhythmically challenged sea lion. With an alacrity born of Thalassophobia I made a hasty retreat to my relatively sea-animal proof cubical.

White Trash seems to no longer be content in breaking the rules of polite society and professionalism now he assaults one of the most sacred rule sets of mankind, as was seen on the original Ten Commandments before they were revised to accommodate the unrelenting laziness of man; “Thou Shalt not talk or make animal nosies in the public restroom!”

Charlton Heston is spinning in his grave...