The other day I was in a jolly mood and decided to joke around with one of my co-workers. This co-worker (we will call him Shelly) had in the past been reprimanded for doing something that every person at my job does. Namely, playing video games. The sad part about this issue is that he is in a singularly bad position on the floor. Shelly is right outside of the big bosses door. His reprimand included being told that as the only person playing games on the floor, he is setting a bad example. Both of those statements were far from true, Shelly never complains, does his fair share of the work, and generally gets the games he plays from other co-workers.
I noticed that he was watching a demonstration video for a music player and, deciding to joke around with him, I walked up behind him and in a louder than it should have been voice said, "Jeez Shelly, you are tho only person that watches videos on the floor."
I was quite surprised to not instantly hear laughter when he turned around. Instead I heard a voice behind me. The voice said, "Who is watching Videos! Is that a video? Why are you watching videos? There are clients on the floor!"
Right behind me was one of the many Big Bosses of the floor. I had not noticed that she was there, and I had inadvertently gotten a decent co-worker in trouble for something that I myself do quite often.
Every one near by tried to cover for him. "No that wasn't a video." "We were just joking around." Even I tried to help. "I was just picking on him. I pick on him all the time. Why I even call him Shelly some times."
The Big Boss left and silence was once again my friend.
Later I went to apologise to him and explain that it was just a joke. Shelly admitted it would have been funny if he hadn't gotten caught because of it and that there were no hard feelings.
I need to pay more attention to who can hear me when I start talking.
Monday, July 14, 2008
Friday, July 11, 2008
We're the goddamn Internet!
Today I received a call from a customer. This is nothing new, it happens about 15 or so times a day. I open with my usual greeting and ask for his User ID. He informs me that he doesn't have one, but he just has a quick question. I explain that a few months back we began to require that everyone seeking assistance with our division register for a User ID. It was at this point that the customer decided to become entertaining, "Look, I just have a simple question. I've already spent 30 minutes navigating your phone tree!
(As an aside, if it takes you 30 minutes to navigate our phone tree, you have no business attempting to resell our equipment. The amount of brain damage you would have to have suffered to not be able to navigate our phone tree would have left you in an assisted care home.)
He continues, "Everyone I've talked to has been giving me surveys for sales and no answers!"
The line in which he came in indicates that at most he has spoken to one other person. We have a division within our company that handles routing the incoming calls. You say, "I need presales help on a wireless device." and they send your call off to my group.
Again, I inform him that we are REQUIRED to get a User ID. If he doesn't have one, the registration process can be completed in under 5 minutes. This further angers him, "I'm ready to have my client send back the equipment ordered from your company if you don't assist me on this!"
Again I tell him that, while that's unfortunate, I cannot help him without a user ID. He asks for my manager. Outside Voice was nowhere to be found, so I spoke to McFly. McFly understood the complaint and had me escalate it to one of our technical superiors, Rocket Science.
Rocket Science gets the call from me and proceeds to give the customer the same run down, "We MUST have a User ID from you, or at least an email!"
The customer shot back, "And become one of your marketing targets? NO! I'm not interested in giving you any of my information!"
"We WON'T send you ANY materials. We don't need to market. Our marketing is not done through the User registration site."
"I am going to have my customer send everything he ordered back to you!"
"That's unfortunate, but without a User ID or at least an Email, I can't help you," Rocket Science said cooly.
The customer had had enough, now he bared his teeth, "Look, I run a local ISP. I run SEVERAL websites. I deal with MANY investors! If you do not assist me without collecting my information your company name will NEVER be mentioned in a good light around my investors or clients!"
I was still on conference but had my headset muted. This proved to be a boon as I blurted out, "And why would we care? Maybe you missed it, but we're the goddamn Internet!"
Now, I need to come clean with you people. We're a large company. A VERY large company. We boast an annual revenue of $35 BILLION as of 2007. We're partnered with all of the largest telcos in the world. Our equipment makes up an estimated 70% of most of the physical infrastructure of what is considered "the Internet". What do all these numbers mean?*
WE DON'T CARE IF YOU TELL ALL YOUR FRIENDS NOT TO BUY FROM US.
Your paltry $5K will not even amount to a drop in the bucket. While you may turn your back, we'll keep selling our gear to the telcos that lease their lines to you to run your pissant, backwater ISP. Hell, one day you may lease a couple of T1s, maybe even a DS3! There's a very likely chance that you'll be leasing these from a provider that will issue you a gateway. Chances are, that gateway will be our product. So, Irate Customer, you can abandon us. That's fine. We won't abandon you.
Every ping you attempt will likely pass through something we had a hand in.
Every traceroute will touch something branded by my company.
Almost every packet of data you send anywhere will be forced to interact with our devices.
You can argue if we're moral. You can argue if we're just a greedy corporation. Both are equally valid questions and answers can be had for both sides of the argument.
The thing to remember is this: We don't need you, but you need us.
*It also means that you can't really name drop with us. Telling me, "This is a bid for a multi-million dollar company, if that makes any difference!" will only result in me informing you that no, indeed, it doesn't make a difference.
(As an aside, if it takes you 30 minutes to navigate our phone tree, you have no business attempting to resell our equipment. The amount of brain damage you would have to have suffered to not be able to navigate our phone tree would have left you in an assisted care home.)
He continues, "Everyone I've talked to has been giving me surveys for sales and no answers!"
The line in which he came in indicates that at most he has spoken to one other person. We have a division within our company that handles routing the incoming calls. You say, "I need presales help on a wireless device." and they send your call off to my group.
Again, I inform him that we are REQUIRED to get a User ID. If he doesn't have one, the registration process can be completed in under 5 minutes. This further angers him, "I'm ready to have my client send back the equipment ordered from your company if you don't assist me on this!"
Again I tell him that, while that's unfortunate, I cannot help him without a user ID. He asks for my manager. Outside Voice was nowhere to be found, so I spoke to McFly. McFly understood the complaint and had me escalate it to one of our technical superiors, Rocket Science.
Rocket Science gets the call from me and proceeds to give the customer the same run down, "We MUST have a User ID from you, or at least an email!"
The customer shot back, "And become one of your marketing targets? NO! I'm not interested in giving you any of my information!"
"We WON'T send you ANY materials. We don't need to market. Our marketing is not done through the User registration site."
"I am going to have my customer send everything he ordered back to you!"
"That's unfortunate, but without a User ID or at least an Email, I can't help you," Rocket Science said cooly.
The customer had had enough, now he bared his teeth, "Look, I run a local ISP. I run SEVERAL websites. I deal with MANY investors! If you do not assist me without collecting my information your company name will NEVER be mentioned in a good light around my investors or clients!"
I was still on conference but had my headset muted. This proved to be a boon as I blurted out, "And why would we care? Maybe you missed it, but we're the goddamn Internet!"
Now, I need to come clean with you people. We're a large company. A VERY large company. We boast an annual revenue of $35 BILLION as of 2007. We're partnered with all of the largest telcos in the world. Our equipment makes up an estimated 70% of most of the physical infrastructure of what is considered "the Internet". What do all these numbers mean?*
WE DON'T CARE IF YOU TELL ALL YOUR FRIENDS NOT TO BUY FROM US.
Your paltry $5K will not even amount to a drop in the bucket. While you may turn your back, we'll keep selling our gear to the telcos that lease their lines to you to run your pissant, backwater ISP. Hell, one day you may lease a couple of T1s, maybe even a DS3! There's a very likely chance that you'll be leasing these from a provider that will issue you a gateway. Chances are, that gateway will be our product. So, Irate Customer, you can abandon us. That's fine. We won't abandon you.
Every ping you attempt will likely pass through something we had a hand in.
Every traceroute will touch something branded by my company.
Almost every packet of data you send anywhere will be forced to interact with our devices.
You can argue if we're moral. You can argue if we're just a greedy corporation. Both are equally valid questions and answers can be had for both sides of the argument.
The thing to remember is this: We don't need you, but you need us.
*It also means that you can't really name drop with us. Telling me, "This is a bid for a multi-million dollar company, if that makes any difference!" will only result in me informing you that no, indeed, it doesn't make a difference.
Thursday, July 3, 2008
The Good, The Stinky and The Tarded
I have a couple of things that need to be pointed out; therefore this post will consist of two sections. Please be patient with me as my thoughts in-contiguously flow from one subject to another.
If you can’t be professional, be a professional Tard.
Some people spend years earning their diplomas and/or certifications, the documentation necessary to prove too many employers, whom are unaware paper can never be a dependable indicator of a persons worth, that a person is a Network Professional. Unfortunately some people think there are shortcuts available to gain an education they think will open doors to high paying jobs. These people go to technology schools holding class in the local high school gym or bank on educators using equipment with labels like IBM Mainframe Terminal Server and Commodore 64.
Here’s a tip, if you know the University requires multiple years to attain a degree, and Shifty the Diploma salesman tells you he can test you out in six weeks for a nominal fee, you might be a Dumb Ass.
Today I received an email from a customer requesting assistance updating the in and outward facing hardware at his company’s corporate headquarters. His email which started out articulate, I can only assume this was the result of a copy/paste from an email composed by some with possessing at least 60 more IQ points then this guy. However, as the email progress it began to digress into a lumpy pile of incoherent ramblings, poorly formed sentences and atrociously misspelled words. The majority of acronyms were misspelled; when you misspell an acronym it changes the meaning completely. For example when I say WAN you know I mean “Wide Area Network,” but when you misspell it thusly: NWA, you have just indicated both your poor taste in music and your raging incompetence as a Network Professional.
The point is thus: if you are going to email another professional in your field a list of requirements for research that very nearly constitutes said professional doing your job for you, have the common fucking decency to be clear and concise, and completely spell out the operation you are trying to perform; saying things like, “and the thing I is needed to load balance the webs stuff” (all misspellings and horrid grammar are direct quotes).
Good By Pigpen
Alas poor Pigpen we could smell you well. I thought I would be more elated to see Pigpen shuffled off the floor in disgrace but as it turns out, though I wont miss the aroma, I am now at a loss of comic content. Pigpen was a true source of humor, mostly at his expense without his knowledge but humor nonetheless.
So it is with forefinger and thumb firmly sealing my nostrils I wave farewell to my stinky, weed ravaged, tard-basket colleague; good by Pigpen may our paths never again converge.Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Darwin who?
Humanity evolves, continually, whether it is part of the natural selection process, by some quirk of genetic mutation or even as the result of technological advancement we are different from the generation which preceded us.
Different isn’t always better.
Humanity prides its self for being the sole self invited occupant of the highest echelon of intelligence on this planet. We consider ourselves wise, with a greater awareness of the universe and smarter because unlike some of the creatures we consider lower then ourselves we don’t lick our privates in public… well most of us don’t at any rate. It is because of our self proclaimed status as “Smartest Thing Ever” and the fact that as I write this there is a man in a trench coat loitering outside this building’s main entrance chasing people about with a gate made haphazard by the wild hip gyrations he performs in the pursuit of his pray; I believe our species is becoming divergent.
Our species is splitting into two sub-species; who we shall name, for complete lack of wit on my part, Homo Tardiculus and Homo Smartypantzii. As Tardiculus devolves and Smartypantzii diverge we will begin to exhibit drastically different behavior patters. Where Smartypantzii continues to develop increasingly complex and meaningful linguistic capabilities, Tardiculus will gradually lose the ability to form coherent sentences, instead opting for simpler forms of auditory communication consisting of several partially inflected grunts and moans coupled with various hip thrusts and rude gestures.
Nowhere is this more apparent then my office. When the sweltering heat generated by the poorly maintained air conditioning system, which is routinely managed by a ragingly incompetent maintenance staff, is coupled with the various whistles, toots, grunts, moans and other sounds I am unable to describe with the English language the only missing element is overgrown foliage.
Some Monday mornings when I make the arduous journey from the elevator to my desk I must bring with me my trusty hunting spear for fear of being ravaged by the lightning quick Horn-tooting Bearnky (Ursus Tootleufigii) and his mate the dreaded Bitching Elephenoose (Loxodonta Loudmouthicus). These are not the only misshapen gentetic throw-backs that reside in my office, they are however the loudest. They are rivaled by Roadkill’s wheezing toots and Lurp Tard's manic heavy breathing. It seems that they all vie for the title of "King of the Wild" as when one starts with the jungle fever grunt-phony they all join in, growing louder and louder until all shreds of sanity are sapped from the floor.
The evolutionists believe in survival of the fittest, only if by "fit" you mean so annoying you cause all competitors to commit violent suicide thereby ensuring you're the sole surviving heir to the Earth, then yes, there are many incredibly "fit" people where I work.
Monday, June 23, 2008
More Money = More Better Good?
I was contacted this afternoon by a customer with a simple question, "What's the difference between your Enterprise class router and the Enterprise class router with Call Control?"
Simple enough. Maybe I wouldn't have called to confirm that the call control bundle has, well, CALL CONTROL while the regular does not... But ok, I'll bite.
"Well sir, the Enterprise Class router with Call Control features the ability to do Call Control. The regular bundle does not."
"So the Call control bundle has more features?"
"Well, yes. It has Call Control. Other than that it's the same."
"So it's better? More useful?"
"If you require Call Control, then yes, it's VERY useful. Do you require Call Control?"
"No, not at all."
"Then the Call Control bundle would just be a waste of money. You would be spending more to get a spare module that you wouldn't use at all. In the end it's useless hardware for you."
"But it has more features, right?"
"..........Yes, yes it does."
And people wonder why I drink in the morning...
Simple enough. Maybe I wouldn't have called to confirm that the call control bundle has, well, CALL CONTROL while the regular does not... But ok, I'll bite.
"Well sir, the Enterprise Class router with Call Control features the ability to do Call Control. The regular bundle does not."
"So the Call control bundle has more features?"
"Well, yes. It has Call Control. Other than that it's the same."
"So it's better? More useful?"
"If you require Call Control, then yes, it's VERY useful. Do you require Call Control?"
"No, not at all."
"Then the Call Control bundle would just be a waste of money. You would be spending more to get a spare module that you wouldn't use at all. In the end it's useless hardware for you."
"But it has more features, right?"
"..........Yes, yes it does."
And people wonder why I drink in the morning...
Friday, June 6, 2008
Worst Case Scenario
Many people have plans for a worst case scenario. I for example have a 12 week program designed specifically to survive a zombie on slot.
Some people save money just in case there job goes under. Some stock pile food against Armageddon. Others keep a few extra pills from there prescription so that if everything goes south, they can just go south with it.
I do know one person though, who doesn't have a plan in case of a worst case scenario. His plan is to be the worst case scenario.
Not long ago, a discussion was had near me. And since it was in my general vicinity, the Noid was involved. He was asking if he could just leave early whenever he felt like it and our manager had told him no because that would constitute job abandonment since he would be leaving before his work was done. Noid wasn't content with this so he explained that he didn't need to be here the last 15 minutes since it was set aside as a clean up time and he had nothing to clean up. His manager then explained that he could just take away our clean up time since it seamed we didn't need it. This was a bit upsetting for most of the people in ear shot as we actually need this time to ensure that we don't get stuck at work by a last minute call. There was some complaints to the affect of smacking the Noid if he cost us our last 15 minutes of safety.
As anyone who has met the Noid knows, confrontation is not the easiest thing for him to handle. In an interesting moment of in site, he blurted out "Well, worst case scenario, I come in and shoot all of you." I then turned around and asked why the hell he would be shooting me. He answered that it was a general threat and that he would be selective of who he shot.
I could go on and on describing the following 15 minutes of how this conversation went and how management handled this. but I prefer to just end with this statement. It is common knowledge around work that Noid packs heat at all times. If I see him at work, I will start going home sick any time he gets upset.
Some people save money just in case there job goes under. Some stock pile food against Armageddon. Others keep a few extra pills from there prescription so that if everything goes south, they can just go south with it.
I do know one person though, who doesn't have a plan in case of a worst case scenario. His plan is to be the worst case scenario.
Not long ago, a discussion was had near me. And since it was in my general vicinity, the Noid was involved. He was asking if he could just leave early whenever he felt like it and our manager had told him no because that would constitute job abandonment since he would be leaving before his work was done. Noid wasn't content with this so he explained that he didn't need to be here the last 15 minutes since it was set aside as a clean up time and he had nothing to clean up. His manager then explained that he could just take away our clean up time since it seamed we didn't need it. This was a bit upsetting for most of the people in ear shot as we actually need this time to ensure that we don't get stuck at work by a last minute call. There was some complaints to the affect of smacking the Noid if he cost us our last 15 minutes of safety.
As anyone who has met the Noid knows, confrontation is not the easiest thing for him to handle. In an interesting moment of in site, he blurted out "Well, worst case scenario, I come in and shoot all of you." I then turned around and asked why the hell he would be shooting me. He answered that it was a general threat and that he would be selective of who he shot.
I could go on and on describing the following 15 minutes of how this conversation went and how management handled this. but I prefer to just end with this statement. It is common knowledge around work that Noid packs heat at all times. If I see him at work, I will start going home sick any time he gets upset.
Thursday, May 29, 2008
Wolf and Winter Cold
I ended up cleaning part of the database today and came across an email address of leonidas@[company withheld].com
It was not long after that I imagined this exchange:
Subject: Earth and Water
From: messenger@persia.com
To: leonidas@[company withheld].com
Leonidas,
All King Xerxes asks is earth and water. Your position and the men that are below you may end up in a very bad position if you do not act quickly on this. We have a deadline here! Xerxes needs you to get everything together and respond in a timely manner. When you have your response ready be sure to attach the earthandwater document and CC your response to xerxes@persia.com. Be careful in how you word your response and how quickly you act on it. It could be your last email in your position!
-Persian Messenger
Subject: Re:Earth and Water
From: leonidas@[company withheld].com
To: messenger@persia.com
Persian,
THIS IS SPARTA!!!
-Leonidas
File Attached: kickedintoawell.exe
Yeah, I paraphrased the dialog. This idea was a weak one to begin with. I laughed anyway.
It was not long after that I imagined this exchange:
Subject: Earth and Water
From: messenger@persia.com
To: leonidas@[company withheld].com
Leonidas,
All King Xerxes asks is earth and water. Your position and the men that are below you may end up in a very bad position if you do not act quickly on this. We have a deadline here! Xerxes needs you to get everything together and respond in a timely manner. When you have your response ready be sure to attach the earthandwater document and CC your response to xerxes@persia.com. Be careful in how you word your response and how quickly you act on it. It could be your last email in your position!
-Persian Messenger
Subject: Re:Earth and Water
From: leonidas@[company withheld].com
To: messenger@persia.com
Persian,
THIS IS SPARTA!!!
-Leonidas
File Attached: kickedintoawell.exe
Yeah, I paraphrased the dialog. This idea was a weak one to begin with. I laughed anyway.
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