A point well missed...

In a given day my responsibilities include the following:

1. Accurately answer questions via email.
2. When no emails are present, surf the web.
3. Should the web prove to be uninteresting, scotch tape my eyelids open and nap.
4. After napping avoid doing the following:

A. Starting fires.
B. Shouting obscenities.
C. Flinging poop.
D. Propositioning the hot chick in HR and getting suspended… again.
E. None of tne of the above.

People seem to misconstrue the meaning of “accurately” in aforementioned, completely non-fictitious, job duties; they seem to think accuracy means, “The answer I want to hear” not “The truth.” As a result of this exceedingly common misconception I get yelled at a lot.

An example of this misconception happened recently. I received an email from one of our large partners requesting network design assistance, now I’m a product specialist and in no way obligated to provide network designs to our partners, that’s why they get paid in big burlap bags with dollar signs on them and I get paid in expired frosty coupons from Wendy’s.

This partner wanted to create a configuration which would allow him to utilize internet connections at two separate sites, how this is accomplished isn’t important the important thing is this partner wanted to do this with equipment which is incapable of this function. I told him this and explained to him how to design his network to do this with existing equipment. This was last week.

This morning I received a new case from this partner attempting to reach a different engineer asking the nearly the same question. Providing the same, though rephrased, answer and politely explaining again how to configure his equipment to do what he wanted I sent off the return email. This partner must have been completely with out other work because five minutes later I received another response.

“You’ve completely missed the point,” then my oh so dense partner goes on to explain again in a different way that he wants this specific device to do something which is not only impossible because the product he wants can not perform this operation; but because no device in this category of products, industry wide, can do what he wants done.

My good partner, I am afraid it is you who has missed the point; you can not get me to confirm incorrect information so you have a basis on which to return products you, for total lack of your own research, incorrectly purchased in the first place. So the moral of the story, “no” does not mean try harder, it means “no and if you ask me again I will use a high-powered pneumatic staple gun to attach your scrotum to the back side of your head.

No intro needed.

This story deserves no intro:  I was on the phone with my husband outside the call floor when I was on my break one day.  There is a wall of windows that I was staring out, not really paying attention.  I saw Penguin and Bionic Nerd leaving the building.  I didnt really think anything of it, they always leave when I am on my break.  The next thing I see is Penguin drive his car over a mound of snow.  Of course, it got stuck on top of the mound of snow. (FYI:  It had snowed previously that week, and there was a mound of snow separating the parking stall, no other way to describe it.  Think of the mound of snow that a snow-plow leaves behind.)  Now this mound of snow that Penguin tried to drive his car over was not a small mound, not one that I would have tried.  OH, I neglected to mention, Penguin has a FORD TAURUS!!!!  Okay, Penguin, maybe if you have a four-wheeler, try driving over the mound of snow.  But a Ford TAURUS!?? Seriously.  Okay, back to me watching this out the wall of windows.  I quickly got off the phone, ran in the call floor and ran to Goodall to tell him its important to look out the window.  By this time, Penguin and Bionic Nerd are standing outside the car, inspecting the problem.  Then over the next hour, they try to push the car, shovel the car, will the car off the mound of snow.  Now, picture this:  two fat boys trying to free a Taurus off the mountain of snow.  I could not help but laugh.  In fact, almost all the people on the call floor had their noses and hands plastered to the windows.  Finally, I believe they shoveled their way out, but none the less my point is this.... Penguin, who knows everything about everything and is never wrong, finally went over the edge.  Too bad the mound of snow wasnt high enough that I could have pushed him off...... 

PhD in dumbassness

So I hope my colleagues will forgive me for posting stories on here relating to my current job rather than the good old call center. I stopped working there about 5 months ago and started a job closer to my school. I do still do tech support however and in fact my department is actually called the call center even though I usually am running around physically fixing computers rather than taking calls.

At my new job I do computer support for a group of individuals many of whom have PhDs though you wouldn't think so based on some of the problems I have had to help with and some of the questions I have had to answer. Everyone's heard the "is it plugged in?" tech support joke and can't believe anyone could really be that stupid. Well I'm here to confirm that yes people are that stupid. It happens a lot more often than you would think too. I would say probably at least once a week I am faced with cases like this. Often I will call the person requesting assistance and ask them exactly what is happening just in case the problem can be resolved over the phone. Sometimes this works but not in cases such as the one I am about to describe.

I got a case last week from one of our esteemed PhDers stating that he had been gone a few days and for some reason when he got back his computer would not turn on. My first thought was that it could possibly be a fried computer and he would need a new one. So I call him up and asked him the usual questions. "Did you check the power cord?" "Is it showing any lights or making any noises at all?" These were all met with the answer "I don't know I'm not a computer genius!" So I finally resolve to come take a look myself. I arrive to the office and go to the desk ignoring the blabber from the man telling me his complete ignorance when it comes to "computing stuff" and I push the power button. Computer fires right up.

Another instance occurred a little longer back. The main secretary office called us to tell us that their printers were all working yesterday but now today they aren't working. Me and a co-worker head down to investigate. We check the printers and they are all printing configuration pages fine but can't get any jobs over the network. Must be a connection problem right? That would make sense. We ask the head secretary if he checked the network cables already and he says yes. Doubting him I decided to check myself. Sure enough all of the printers are plugged in snug and tight to the switch. One tiny little problem though. The switch was not plugged into the wall. When asked how I fixed the problem I told the secretary that the switch just wasn't plugged in and was met with "we get network connection through the wall?"

Yes my friend this is why we prefer you frickin retarded faggots don't move shit around when you don't know what the piss you are doing. You would think one of the requirements to be a secretary would be "Must know what a computer is and know how to use it (including how to READ THE ERROR MESSAGE BEFORE CLOSING IT!)". Sorry that's a story for another day.

Slip of the tongue.

The other day I was in a jolly mood and decided to joke around with one of my co-workers. This co-worker (we will call him Shelly) had in the past been reprimanded for doing something that every person at my job does. Namely, playing video games. The sad part about this issue is that he is in a singularly bad position on the floor. Shelly is right outside of the big bosses door. His reprimand included being told that as the only person playing games on the floor, he is setting a bad example. Both of those statements were far from true, Shelly never complains, does his fair share of the work, and generally gets the games he plays from other co-workers.
I noticed that he was watching a demonstration video for a music player and, deciding to joke around with him, I walked up behind him and in a louder than it should have been voice said, "Jeez Shelly, you are tho only person that watches videos on the floor."
I was quite surprised to not instantly hear laughter when he turned around. Instead I heard a voice behind me. The voice said, "Who is watching Videos! Is that a video? Why are you watching videos? There are clients on the floor!"
Right behind me was one of the many Big Bosses of the floor. I had not noticed that she was there, and I had inadvertently gotten a decent co-worker in trouble for something that I myself do quite often.
Every one near by tried to cover for him. "No that wasn't a video." "We were just joking around." Even I tried to help. "I was just picking on him. I pick on him all the time. Why I even call him Shelly some times."
The Big Boss left and silence was once again my friend.
Later I went to apologise to him and explain that it was just a joke. Shelly admitted it would have been funny if he hadn't gotten caught because of it and that there were no hard feelings.

I need to pay more attention to who can hear me when I start talking.

We're the goddamn Internet!

Today I received a call from a customer. This is nothing new, it happens about 15 or so times a day. I open with my usual greeting and ask for his User ID. He informs me that he doesn't have one, but he just has a quick question. I explain that a few months back we began to require that everyone seeking assistance with our division register for a User ID. It was at this point that the customer decided to become entertaining, "Look, I just have a simple question. I've already spent 30 minutes navigating your phone tree!
(As an aside, if it takes you 30 minutes to navigate our phone tree, you have no business attempting to resell our equipment. The amount of brain damage you would have to have suffered to not be able to navigate our phone tree would have left you in an assisted care home.)
He continues, "Everyone I've talked to has been giving me surveys for sales and no answers!"
The line in which he came in indicates that at most he has spoken to one other person. We have a division within our company that handles routing the incoming calls. You say, "I need presales help on a wireless device." and they send your call off to my group.
Again, I inform him that we are REQUIRED to get a User ID. If he doesn't have one, the registration process can be completed in under 5 minutes. This further angers him, "I'm ready to have my client send back the equipment ordered from your company if you don't assist me on this!"
Again I tell him that, while that's unfortunate, I cannot help him without a user ID. He asks for my manager. Outside Voice was nowhere to be found, so I spoke to McFly. McFly understood the complaint and had me escalate it to one of our technical superiors, Rocket Science.
Rocket Science gets the call from me and proceeds to give the customer the same run down, "We MUST have a User ID from you, or at least an email!"
The customer shot back, "And become one of your marketing targets? NO! I'm not interested in giving you any of my information!"
"We WON'T send you ANY materials. We don't need to market. Our marketing is not done through the User registration site."
"I am going to have my customer send everything he ordered back to you!"
"That's unfortunate, but without a User ID or at least an Email, I can't help you," Rocket Science said cooly.
The customer had had enough, now he bared his teeth, "Look, I run a local ISP. I run SEVERAL websites. I deal with MANY investors! If you do not assist me without collecting my information your company name will NEVER be mentioned in a good light around my investors or clients!"
I was still on conference but had my headset muted. This proved to be a boon as I blurted out, "And why would we care? Maybe you missed it, but we're the goddamn Internet!"
Now, I need to come clean with you people. We're a large company. A VERY large company. We boast an annual revenue of $35 BILLION as of 2007. We're partnered with all of the largest telcos in the world. Our equipment makes up an estimated 70% of most of the physical infrastructure of what is considered "the Internet". What do all these numbers mean?*

WE DON'T CARE IF YOU TELL ALL YOUR FRIENDS NOT TO BUY FROM US.

Your paltry $5K will not even amount to a drop in the bucket. While you may turn your back, we'll keep selling our gear to the telcos that lease their lines to you to run your pissant, backwater ISP. Hell, one day you may lease a couple of T1s, maybe even a DS3! There's a very likely chance that you'll be leasing these from a provider that will issue you a gateway. Chances are, that gateway will be our product. So, Irate Customer, you can abandon us. That's fine. We won't abandon you.
Every ping you attempt will likely pass through something we had a hand in.
Every traceroute will touch something branded by my company.
Almost every packet of data you send anywhere will be forced to interact with our devices.

You can argue if we're moral. You can argue if we're just a greedy corporation. Both are equally valid questions and answers can be had for both sides of the argument.
The thing to remember is this: We don't need you, but you need us.

*It also means that you can't really name drop with us. Telling me, "This is a bid for a multi-million dollar company, if that makes any difference!" will only result in me informing you that no, indeed, it doesn't make a difference.

The Good, The Stinky and The Tarded

I have a couple of things that need to be pointed out; therefore this post will consist of two sections. Please be patient with me as my thoughts in-contiguously flow from one subject to another.

If you can’t be professional, be a professional Tard.

Some people spend years earning their diplomas and/or certifications, the documentation necessary to prove too many employers, whom are unaware paper can never be a dependable indicator of a persons worth, that a person is a Network Professional. Unfortunately some people think there are shortcuts available to gain an education they think will open doors to high paying jobs. These people go to technology schools holding class in the local high school gym or bank on educators using equipment with labels like IBM Mainframe Terminal Server and Commodore 64.

Here’s a tip, if you know the University requires multiple years to attain a degree, and Shifty the Diploma salesman tells you he can test you out in six weeks for a nominal fee, you might be a Dumb Ass.

Today I received an email from a customer requesting assistance updating the in and outward facing hardware at his company’s corporate headquarters. His email which started out articulate, I can only assume this was the result of a copy/paste from an email composed by some with possessing at least 60 more IQ points then this guy. However, as the email progress it began to digress into a lumpy pile of incoherent ramblings, poorly formed sentences and atrociously misspelled words. The majority of acronyms were misspelled; when you misspell an acronym it changes the meaning completely. For example when I say WAN you know I mean “Wide Area Network,” but when you misspell it thusly: NWA, you have just indicated both your poor taste in music and your raging incompetence as a Network Professional.

The point is thus: if you are going to email another professional in your field a list of requirements for research that very nearly constitutes said professional doing your job for you, have the common fucking decency to be clear and concise, and completely spell out the operation you are trying to perform; saying things like, “and the thing I is needed to load balance the webs stuff” (all misspellings and horrid grammar are direct quotes).

Good By Pigpen

Alas poor Pigpen we could smell you well. I thought I would be more elated to see Pigpen shuffled off the floor in disgrace but as it turns out, though I wont miss the aroma, I am now at a loss of comic content. Pigpen was a true source of humor, mostly at his expense without his knowledge but humor nonetheless.

So it is with forefinger and thumb firmly sealing my nostrils I wave farewell to my stinky, weed ravaged, tard-basket colleague; good by Pigpen may our paths never again converge.